My Most Memorable Patient (She Was So Delightfully Sinful!)

I’m no Don Juan, but I like play one on TV …

Oh wait, I really meant that I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV …

That’s not right either. I really, really meant that I don’t play a doctor on TV, but I will become one in real life. And as a future doctor, I seem to have a magic touch with women.

(And just for the record, I do not sleep with them. I’ll get into deep doo-doo with the state licensing board if I do.)

So what do I mean by “magic touch?”

Well, not only can I perform a kick-ass physical exam, I …

(I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Zoolander, but getting girls to dance for me reminds me of Derek Zoolander dancing in a monkey suit. It’s hilarious.)

But I just remembered another real-life story that will completely blow your mind. It is even better than the time I saw a well-endowed lady with a revealing, hairy chest — which she claimed “brings all the boys to the yard.” (Hello hirsutism!)

“I’m in Customer Service”

I was on my family medicine rotation seeing a new patient. Let’s call her Bebe (kinda like the clothing brand, but in this situation, it really stands for beautiful babe). One of the things doctors ask when seeing patients is: What is your occupation?

When I asked Bebe the question, she answered that she works in customer service. Most doctors would stop at that point. But since I always like to know a bit more about my all of my patients, I dug in further.

“Oh … so you’re in customer service for what company?” I asked.

“Umm … I’m a phone sex operator.”

I paused slightly, taking 1 second to process that shocker. “Really?”

“Yeah, I usually just say I’m in customer service though.”

“I understand. So what is it like?”

So I spent an extra 10 minutes with the patient, asking her about her work, just because I was so intrigued. 10 minutes may not seem like a lot to you, but you gotta understand that this office did not schedule a lot of time for patients. It is the proverbial overcrowded office, where you must wait 50 minutes for a 15-minute visit.

My preceptor was not exactly friendly about me running late either. (She was the same one who did not deliver on my letter of recommendation.) I could have gotten my head chewed off, but it was well worth the risk.

From Bebe, I’ve learned that there is actually training for this job. She learned how to talk in various accents — British accent, a Valley girl accent, and more. I was quite impressed by her talents and let her know about it.

She told me that many guys who call her are married.

She showed me her skills of speaking in different accents. No, nothing filthy came out of her mouth. I basically let her do all the talking … as I remained silent, listened, and giggled like a little school girl.

It is amazing how much you’ll learn in a judgment-free zone.

There was much laughter in the room. (Probably a bit too much for the preceptor’s liking. I was having too much fun and not doing enough serious busywork.)

Why can’t medicine be like this every day? You know … fun!?

For more medical school stories, visit the About Alex section and look for “Blast from the Past (Stories of My Medical School Days).”

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